"...has come and gone away in Paris and Rome, but I wanna go home." (Michael Buble)
Had a day off today and am thoroughly enjoying the peace that comes with this place outside of work. I spent a bit of my afternoon out at the dam enjoying the serenity of it all. In that moment, I felt absolute peace and contentment. I've been feeling those things at each portion of my journies this summer. I continued thinking of how most times I travel half the joy is in returning home. That's when I realized that "home" currently means returning to Lincoln; a place where I enjoy the closest dam by running on it in a mood that's often quite less than tranquility. The appeal I find in going to "away" most often lies in the idea that I have a place to return to. A place to feel content. A place to be at peace. A place to capture "away" until I can go again. A place to call "home."
Despite some confusion of where to next, I am returning home. That statement leaves my heart and my mind somewhat confused merely because I am not ready nor willing to make Lincoln my home--my safe haven of contenment and peace. I am dutifully returning to complete requirements for a much anticipated graduation (a college diploma becomes much more important when you've still yet to receive a diploma at all!); I look forward to opportunities of personal growth and care for others through my RA job; and, yes, I will even learn to be content and to have peace when I'm in a place I do not wish to call home.
I was just left on that rock today... just me and a rolling river filling my mind with the noisiest peace you'd ever experience. What to do when you can't honestly say you're blessed with this experience, BUT you're just ready to go home? What went wrong when you're "away" and you're perfectly content and at peace to stay there?? Where is "home" when you have no place you wish to return to?? The truth is, my heart and mind (they seem to team against me on this), they have their own idea of where home is. They always have a place they wish to be... a place (or so they want me to believe) with promises of contentment and peace and the simple satisfaction of being home. At this moment, Nebraska is not that place.
At that point, beyond that rolling river, I felt the slightest breeze and heard the softest reply. "Trina, this peace and contment you're feeling right now is from coming so close to me. It may be more real in this place at this moment, but it won't leave you-- I won't leave you. Set your heart and your mind on me, and I will remind them that I am your home. I will lead you to your earthly destinations in due time... but in the meantime, rest assuredly that I will never leave you nor take your home from you."
God has a way with me...