The school counselor did his damage on my emotions, tapping through my cold exterior with an ice pick, ready with a space heater for my frozen interior. I walked into the first session with visions of impressing with my independence and insight. Him in awe at my maturity and assuring me I'd be just fine and didn't need to return.
He did no such thing. Shocking, I know.
Instead, he listened as I talked. As I told my stresses with school, my financial burdens, the pressure to be strong for those around me. When I'd start to break and let down my defenses, I'd quickly apologize and retract, assuring that I knew I needed to balance and accept and bravely move onward.
Then, one day, my frozen shell cracked and melted revealing flesh. Raw and slightly blistered from the cold. It revealed childhood wounds ready for proper bandaging and genuine healing. Nothing traumatic like abuse or neglect. Just simply how my little heart learned to protect itself--hiding behind independence, self-reliance, maturity and capability. Taking the precautions I thought I needed to prevent heartache and pain.
He pointed to the artwork hanging on one wall of his office. It was a painting of Jesus carrying a white lamb on His shoulders. We talked about what Jesus meant when He said He is the shepherd and we are His sheep.
We all like sheep have gone astray;
We have turned, every one,
to his own way. | Is. 53:6
Even this tough girl is a lost sheep in need of a shepherd. In need of being saved from myself. From the burdens I carry to be strong and brave and capable. And allow the shepherd to carry me.
I returned the next few sessions anticipating what hole of my life might be revealed and filled in today. We often returned to a version of the same truth: I am a sinner in need of a Savior. I'm not a big tough bad-a that can take care of myself, thank you very much. I really am a lost and lonely little girl, and the sooner I admit that, the sooner I am saved by the One that fills that void and leads the way in my life.
This truth uncovered an exhausted form looking for a place to dump the weight of the world carried on small, incapable shoulders. A willing soul, ready to admit her lost sheepness into the arms of her waiting Savior.